In a controversial move today, the Mayor signed the "Bland Act," outlawing any condiment hotter than ketchup in city schools. "Spice leads to independent thought," the Mayor stated from behind a podium fortified with mayonnaise packets. Protestors have already begun smuggling single-serve Cholula packets into cafeterias. Stay spicy, kids.
Authorities uncovered a sophisticated network of PVC pipes delivering high-grade hot sauce directly to the kitchens of high-end restaurants, bypassing city flavor taxes. The operation, dubbed "The spicy vein," is suspected to be run by local operative Shannon "Too Hot." No arrests have been made as agents were too busy dipping chips into the evidence.
A new report from the collective's science team suggests a direct link between bland diets and corporate obedience. "The lack of flavor numbs the soul," said lead researcher Dr. Pepper (no relation). The report suggests one drop of habanero oil a day can reverse the effects and induce a sudden urge to unionize.